Now, we all know who Jonathan Cross is. He single handedly saved our crumbling society from the grips of gambling and corruption. Countless schools have been named after him and every city, by law, must erect a statue in tribute to him.

Of course, times did seem a little simpler back then. Our heroes were heroes and enemies were enemies. With the dismantling of the original RBL, we were forced to face new challenges in our lives. For example, the green glow that happens every few nights… well, we had always been told that was safe but as it turns out it’s actually radioactivity. Sure, we should have known better, it started just after the world war and putting two and two together should have been easy but perhaps we just didn’t want to face the truth. Jonathan brought us that truth and it is now our job to learn from it.

What Rollerball movie would be complete without the other great players though? Toba Maheota, Marcus Ridley and Aurora.

It may have seemed like Jonathan and Marcus were friends but any true Rollerball fan knows that the two hated each other. It became apparent Marcus was a little full of himself when he decided to change his name to Seis Cinco. I won’t get much more into detail given he was assassinated soon after, that’s best left to the analysts at Fox Sports.

Toba Maheota grew up with Jonathan. The two were inseparable in school and attended special education courses together. Toba was never the same after he was hit in the head with a Rollerball and was forced to leave the sport. He is now head of Janitorial duties at Jonathan Cross High School.

Aurora? She went on to star in action films and married former TV star, John Lmaos. The two later divorced. The guy was a plebe, she is much better off. She recorded a sex tape once her film career started to wane but no one was buying.

Those times and players are gone though. The sport has implemented more safety rules than a playground. It’s not such a bad thing though, no one wants to see their star player get knocked out early in the season. With any luck, we will get the green glow under control and be able to see a game in person once again.

I suppose this isn’t the best review for a documentary but I’m just so passionate. The movie has its moments of taking some creative liberties but the creativity is few and far between. I highly recommend it to anyone with a love for the sport.

Oh, wait, they are on a road again… and some bees show up… and the lighting is rather excellent in pitch black.

The Whatever Happened to That Guy Cast

One thing about the changing of the decade is that people still wanted the Corey. Sadly, the Coreys were so high on drugs we had to settle for hybrids. The hybrid here is Bradley Gregg… which in case you didn’t know, has 5 kids. I shall now share with you their names. Zion, McAbe, Braverijah (Bria), Galilee, and Jemima. Yes. Interesting. McAbe? Was that an attempt to start a new food item at McDonalds? One can only wonder about such things. “Yes, I’d like a McAbe with a side of fries.”

He’s our star but we have a few others of interesting merit. Malcolm McDowell is not one to ever turn down a bad movie. Pam Grier is here as well and sadly, the only tits she shows in this one are of the robotic kind. Which brings me to the movie.

You see, in 1999, schools have become war zones. The police won’t even intervene they have gotten so bad. Almost every kid has a weapon and I don’t mean knives, I’m talking RPGs and M-16s. They are all high on drugs but still manage to make it to school. One only has to wonder how dumb things have gotten for our future. No one is forcing them to go… and yet, they do. This was undoubtedly the hardest part for me to wrap my brain around. If I was 15, high on “the edge,” equipped with an assault rifle and a downright badass gangster… I sure as shit, ain’t going to school! This is the future of course so perhaps things change.

The only good death scene

So what the hell do we do? Well, let’s get Stacy Keach’s opinion on this matter. He played a great corrupt cop next to Cheech & Chong who smokes so much pot he turns himself into a lizard. So who better to turn the tide of school/gang warfare? He’s got my vote. Hell, I’d have probably voted for him in the last election. He plays a “Doctor” who has come up with a great plan. If you can’t get a human to teach, why not get a robot to do it? And why stop at just a plain old robot. Why not get a robot that was used for wartime combat. One that can grow to think. Now, multiply that by 3. Yes, 3 killer robots.

Now this movie, well… it kind of sucks. It’s really not that good at all. It doesn’t bring anything new to the table. Class of 1984 did things much better. I did not think this was going to be a sequel but shit, I hate the one liners. When McAbe’s father kills the history teacher robot, our hero sputters… wait for it… “He’s history!” or when he immolates the chem teacher with a Bunsen burner… wait for it… “She’s toast!” That’s just bad dialog right there. This is of course the downside of producing to many hybrid Coreys, they come out worse than fax sent one to many times.

In case you hadn’t figured it out. These robots go rogue and start killing. Had there been a Liberal Arts teacher, things might have gone differently but this movie doesn’t allow for such radical ideas. The first robot to kill is the Physical Ed teacher, he looks a lot like Howie Long. This guy has been in a shit load of movies/shows and like some of the other cast here, you go, “Hey, it’s that guy!” He takes down some punk holding a gun. Fair enough. No harm, no foul.

Do those come in hot pink?

But then our other “Hey, it’s that guy!” history teacher totally wastes a guy in colorful spandex. He did have it coming. If you are claiming a set, you best not be in spandex attire. The thing about spandex guy I liked so much is that he was an evil Colombian drug lord in Delta Force 2. I’m a huge Delta Force fan, so I was a little sad to see him go… but not those pants.

Pam Grier the chem teacher doesn’t do much in this one. I was a little sad by that. She asserts herself in class one time but that’s about it. You would think in 1999 killer robots would be treated with equality in the movies. Our future is a bleak one.

So through all of this, the robots manage to start a gang war. They kill McAbe’s uncle (young brother to our hero) and a shit storm of boring violence starts.

Eventually the gangs realize that they aren’t the problem. It’s the teachers! Yes, kids roaming the streets murdering people on a daily basis and the teachers are the problem. So they band together and win. I mean, only 3 people in this movie survive but they win. Let’s just hope there was some good drugs waiting back at home because they will need them.

He's a muthafuckin puppet!

Now, I’ve got nothing against Canadians, in fact I bet they are pretty cool people to hang out with. But Canadian Zombies? That’s an easy win. There’s an odd thing about this one though. You don’t see a single shuffler until you’re almost half way through the movie. It’s pretty damn suspenseful for a Zombie flick. Usually you get some cheap scares here and there… but this one really builds up the fear.

It’s a group of people at a radio station doing what they do. Talking.

That’s what this movie boils down to, talking. I get it. I got it. If you watch this, you’ll get it to. If you don’t, you’re one of them.

I'm Thinking Dammit!

The radio host (stealing the show) is none other than Stephen McHattie. He plays Grant Mazzy, a fading radio host who lost his big show and is now forced to work in Pontypool. He also wears a cowboy hat. Now, I may not be up to date on everything that goes on in this world, but his situation sure does bare a striking resemblance to Don Imus.

Don Imus, if you may or may not recall, lost his radio show for using a few choice words that he probably would have been better off not saying. Grant Mazzy is no doubt in the same boat. He starts his radio show off with a bit of controversy in a town of 65,000 people. He’s gone from millions of listeners to a paltry 65,000. It’s all he has left.

Now, I don’t think for a minute this movie is really going after Don Imus specifically. No, I think the movie is going after all the idiots who don’t think before they speak. They allow their words to soak in without an real thought of consequences. They make a few quick remarks off the cuff and the less than take it as the word of god.

I’d like to say it was terribly refreshing for the first half. It was a bold way to do a horror movie. They report the horrible happenings that are going on throughout the town but are unable to see any of it. All we know are bits an pieces and can only guess as to what is really happening. I kept seeing myself in that same position, thinking, “I’m getting the hell out of this two-bit town!” but our heroes stayed. And they reported. I was honestly worried about the outcome of their lives.

Then… the second half starts and it gets just a bit… preachy. Being from Texas, I think I know a thing or two about that. No matter how conservative or liberal you are… it’s just born within you. You grow up with it and you die with it. I need to escape with a movie, not relive my day. It’s probably not a failing of the movie itself, more of a failing of me to look passed it. I kept thinking to myself, “Are they talking about America? Well why the hell are they bagging America!!!” They may, or may not have been…

You Talk to Much

At any rate, it’s a bit odd to talk about a movie with Zombies but really not have much to say about the Zombies in this film. I’d say that’s a damn successful Zombie film. Really, there’s just not much to say about them at all. They were sort of there but had very little meaning to the movie itself. I know there’s some big movie term for that, but I can’t recall it.

I’d also like to point out the Zombies are actually “Conversationalists.” Direct from the Director. That’s a Canadian film for you though.

Hell of the Living Dead

As we all wait for the Zombie Apocalypse, we must understand that it is not a sustainable society. Why, you ask?

There is one thing that has always bothered me about our dream. One Achilles heal to our great society. It is never touched upon in our cinema. It is glossed over to further the story, for you see… if they showed the truth, the story would be nothing. We would not have 2 hours of gore and blood, it would simply end with only a handful of deaths.

But why? Why would the great plan not work? Simply put, a Zombie eats it prey. There would be nothing left, a Zombie does not get full.

There are some possibilities here. For example, if a Zombie were to start eating but was then quickly killed, it would infect what it has not finished. But a Zombie in a vacuum of safety would not be able to contain itself. It would simply eat everything. Its belly would burst but it would continue to eat.

Of course there are differing theories. The dead are infected by mutagens, bites, airborne chemicals, society or all of the above. Everyone has a different take on the catalyst but they all come to the same conclusion, Zombies eat people. Whether it be the flesh or the brain, they eat and consume all manner of hominid. There’s a similar species found on this planet, we call it a locust. Locust destroy every plant in their path.

Rambo Makeup

In the wake of a Zombie attack, I urge all Zombies to take heed these words and go on a diet. Take a bite or two but do not gorge yourself. Let the others see the light of day. We are strength in numbers. But one Zombi can not do it alone.

And finally, this is the most important thing. DO NOT LET THE HUMANS BREAK THAT GLASS!

The Enemy

We start off in a barren wasteland, something you might see if you were on mars, everything is a rich orange/red hue. A scavenger walks along the desert seeking supplies and comes across a robot.

The Barren Wastland

In comes Mo (Dylan McDermott). Mo and his friend Shades, who wears sunglasses, are walking through a trashed out city. You see, Mo just got back home as he’s been gone awhile. His first order of business is to hit up the local metal pawn shop. It is here he encounters the scavenger. One thing leads to another and Mo buys the robot. Now, when I call it a robot, I mean it’s actually in several pieces doing its best C3PO impression. The owner of the shop seems to think that the robot is just a maintenance drone. That doesn’t sound like it would make for a very interesting movie though, does it?

A walk through the city

Mo decides to give the parts to his girlfriend Jill (Stacey Travis). One, she’s a metal craftsman and two, he’s been out of her life for so long, he knows he’s going to get laid if he brings her something. Jill is agoraphobic and doesn’t get out much. She keeps herself protected from the world behind hydraulic doors. As the two lovers get it on, we see a rather large and fat man spying on them from another building. It was rather creepy to hear him talk and children’s shoes lined his wall. The robots eyes begin to glow. It’s basically a show for anyone who wants to watch.

As the story progresses various news casts can be heard throughout the movie. Emergency Population Control. Sterilization Centers. It’s obvious this world is in a lot of trouble. We never really find out what has happened but given the year the movie was made, I’ll bet it has something to do with the O-Zone.

Bands like Motorhead and Ministry can be found here. It’s a rather excellent soundtrack. Not something I was expecting for a movie in 1990. Odd they had GWAR in a video but Ministry playing. The music seems genuine to the overall theme of metal. Sadly, it is a rather short soundtrack. Iggy Pop is also in the movie but I’ll be honest, I’m not sure who he was playing.

A political debate ensues between the couple. Population control. Radioactive kids. They trade barbs with one another. Something all couples do after sex.

We begin to learn more about the robot aka the Mark 13, pretty generic name. Turns out, it’s a war robot. Not a maintenance drone.

We see our hero reading the bible, a passage from Mark 13. However, I was unable to locate this exact quote… I suppose the movie took some creative liberties with the bible. The passage was rather fitting.

Jill is seen naked and the fat man calls her over the video phone. All you can see is his eye peeking through a porno mag. He wants to put a string of popcorn in her butt and do the Hershey highway. He would appear to be a serial killer or at least a sexual predator.

So, not only do we have a robot to worry about we have David Berkowitz with a pony tail.

She quickly tells the fat man where to go. The robot comes alive. She’s done a great welding job. Painting the American flag on the face was a nice touch.

Very patriotic

Our hero goes to meet up with a metal trader he met earlier. He left pieces of the robot behind… which promptly kills the man.

Once Mo realizes the robot is going after Jill, he calls his friend Shades up… who would appear to be on a rather potent drug. Knowing this, Mo still sends Shades to help.

We return to the apartment as Jill narrowly escapes the crushing arm of the robot while sitting up in bed. She gets out her blow torch to kick some ass. The scene is eerily reminiscent of Alien. Alarm going off, fire in hand, rustic and dark scenery. She opens the door to leave and boom, there’s the fat man. He waltz inside… yeah, we know where this is going. Turns out the voyeuristic fat man installed the security for all the apartments and for some reason, the doors emergency lock has been engaged. He begins to sing a song he’s made up, the Wilbulry Wobbly Walk… I shit you not… thankfully, the robot kills him before he is allowed an encore. Not a very gruesome death but his eyes are removed. That’s what he gets for spying, I guess.

Jill holes up in the fridge for safety since she’s somehow figured out the robot sees in infrared. Jill and the robot get into a bit of a fight and we get to see the whole robot. It’s a rather lackluster looking robot.

She does manager to blow up half her apartment, taking out the robot… or so we think. There’s still a lot of time left but perhaps we are going to be treated to an epic ending similar to the one we saw in Return of the King. For the record, it put me to sleep.

After blowing the place up, the lights seem to work again. The door opens and we see her walk towards Mo, robot in toe, of course. Jill ducks and Mo, Shades and a couple of extra cast members blow the damn thing away. But wait… there’s still time left.

But we got backup now, or as I like to call them, extra bodies.

We find out the robot is part of the population control during another lovely conversation between the two. And bam, there’s the robot again. Mark 13 pulls her out of the apartment. She hangs on to a power line high above the city… the robot cuts it and Jill is flung into the apartment windows below. Jill appears to be dead. Lifeless, eyes open.

“You can’t fuck with Mo.” Our hero says as he, once again, shoots the robot. The robot was able to inject drugs into Mo though, the drugs allow the injected user to feel calm and accept their fate. We see a pretty amazing trip out with the robot conducting some type of symphony as music plays in the background.

The Symphony

Mo begins to cut his wrists and the scene flashes with a close-up on the eye, a short flash of the blood stream… bugs begin to come out of his wounds and Mo is in full trip mode now. And it’s pretty damn cool scene. Honestly, I think Aronofsky saw this scene and gave homage to it in Requiem for a Dream. Aronofsky perfected the art.

Anyways, it turns out Jill is alive and she’s going to take care of the robot with a bat. Yup, a bat. Everyone is telling her not to go into the apartment again… but here’s a tip, when you tell someone not to go, don’t follow them. You could be the first one to die. That is the case here. The hydraulic doors quickly shut and splice one of the men in half… she trys pulling him out but only manages to get half of the job done. Nice death scene.

The robot is now equipped with a chainsaw and begins to slice up a dead body. Not sure why, perhaps he missed his calling to be a butcher? I think it was Mo but they never really show a face.

She starts chatting with her boyfriend over a computer, a scene that really confused me. It almost seemed as if the robot was taking on the personalities of the people it was killing. And we are treated to the Wilbulry Wobbly Walk again. Sigh. We don’t learn much but we do know the robot is defective. Good to know. Jill knows the answer to stopping it thankfully, and leads the Mark 13 into a shower. But before she can put her plan into action, Jill is thrown through more glass. It’s a bad day for Jill but good for window repair men.

Now you may have forgotten that Shades was there with everyone. He shoots the thing right in the head as they turn the water on in the shower. It shorts the thing right out.

I wasn’t sure until the end but Mo actually expired.

Dead silence